ATONEMENT Part II: Once Upon a Time

This blog, above all things, is about love. I use it to structure and tell the story of my life. And while my childhood, adolescence and coming out represent an important part of why and how I learned to love (apparently as a hopeless gay romantic filled with Disney dreams in an imaginary world), sometimes it feels as though my story didn’t really begin until I met Ryan Joseph Gordillo…

During my first year at UC Berkeley, I met a boy with the most beautiful grey-blue eyes. This quickly became the classic good-girl/bad-boy romance as my naïve and inexperienced self became infatuated with the gorgeous rebel. I don’t know if I was just intrigued by our differences, wanted to save him, or both, but nothing could free me of my desire. As I fell in love, every fantasy and dream I ever had swept over me…and I gave him everything.

Instead of recapping the relationship, I’ll share a (somewhat poorly written and embarrassing, but undeniably sweet) poem I wrote for him on our six-month anniversary. It does a fairly good job capturing our story, my feelings and imagination, as well as my first-love state of mind.

The Moment I Met You

Ryan, Sweetie, Monkey, my dear,
I wrote you something I need you to hear
The sweetest moments in all their glory
This, my Superman, is our story:

What began with simple MySpace mail
Turned out to be love’s true tale
Your head shaven, you came on BART
In downtown Berkeley doth our story start.

Up in the dorm you met my friends.
Our first frat party, the drink that offends
Nervous and fearful, we did not dance
But in those blue eyes…I saw romance.

We got tired, so we headed back to my floor
And as we walked the rain began to pour
There I stopped you for our first kiss
For months to come, how this moment I would miss…

The next two weeks came with a painful cost
For my keys were not the only things I lost.
Whether it was my fault or the drugs you were on
As quickly as he’d come, my sweet Ryan was gone.

I can’t even describe the months that I spent
Mourning the loss of my own Clark Kent.
I did so in silence, and it hurt oh so much
Missing your voice…your eyes…that rare loving touch.

When finally you messaged me one fateful day
You liked me again, or so you did say
I was so excited, my heart skipped a beat
You were clean, happy, and above all…sweet.

Of having you back, I had only dreamed
And suddenly so close my dream did seem
But on Friday the 13th, with only a few words spoken
I lay on your floor, my heart twice broken.

I couldn’t cry, though believe me I tried
Something inside me had suddenly died.
We became close friends, but it wasn’t enough
Getting over you twice, was twice too tough.

So it began once again with a dance in a cage
An uphill battle for your attention on stage
I went for other guys, while you had no clue
That all I ever wanted was a chance with you.

But after your blog, my comment, Nick, and gay prom
Suddenly it clicked and you dropped the bomb
My world blurred, and I tried not to scream
As I sat there reading the words on the screen

The sky fell around me with the season’s first rain
I cried, disillusioned with happiness and pain
I ran to my car and told Nick ‘we’re through’
For nothing could make me let go of you.

I drove to your house, and stood as it poured
Soon I would be with the man I adored
I played Ryan Cabrera and tried to stay strong
For I knew it now, it wouldn’t be long.

When finally I saw you with that look in your eye
I swallowed my fear, and tried not to cry
For now I could see that this was True
So after months of waiting, I truly kissed you.

I looked into your eyes, and I saw that gleam
You smiled and said it was just like your dream
The rain, the kiss, even down to the song
But you, Ryan, had been my dream all along.

Then was the Crib, where the past didn’t repeat
For I didn’t even ask, but I got the front seat
And wearing the clothes from the first time we met
We danced a dance I won’t ever forget.

Following that, a week of romance began
At Santa Cruz beach we spent the night in the sand
Candlelight dinners, roses, it all went to plan
So I asked, ‘be my boyfriend, Superman?’

Not long after, you were lying in my bed
Apparently there was something you had not yet said
I suddenly felt it, I suddenly knew
You looked at me and said ‘I love you.’

For the 19th celebration of the day of your birth
I took you to the Happiest Place on Earth
We fought at first; I did nothing but whine
But after my nap and some food, we had a great time.

To my Prince, a magical time I did owe
But never did I imagine that fireworks show
The way you held me, I couldn’t help but melt
If only I could describe the way I felt.

Watching you go wild and become a child
I just hope you saw the way I smiled.
You should have seen yourself standing in line.
I still couldn’t believe you were finally mine.

But from Mickey, to Goofy, to Chip and Dale
From Fantasyland to the Toon Town Jail
Of all the magic that we did share
The most magical thing was just having you there.

And months later, even though we may fight
The magic still sparks, and my candle burns bright
Let’s forget the past and all of our lies
Look at me now, right in the eyes

The truest thing you’ll ever know
Is the feeling of mine, at our first Hello.
I’ve always believed in love at first sight
And Ryan, my love, you’ve proven me right

That day you walked out of Berkeley BART…
It was that day that you captured my heart
For you rose on the escalator, me standing above
And it was the moment I met you I fell in love.

Happy Six Months, Sweetie. These have been the best months of my life. I love you so much.

Always and Forever,
Matthew

Ryan was, at least in my mind, perfect—a sweet, family-oriented homebody and a balancing force in my life. The two of us were inseparable and with him I learned the true meaning of intimacy. From surprise birthday parties, to cabin trips, to romantic singing under the campanile at Berkeley…my moments with Ryan are some of my most treasured memories.

When he eventually left me, I was devastated and unwilling to accept the breakup. I wrote, sealed, and delivered a letter describing how I had one day planned to propose. The envelope read, “If you really want us to be over, open this. If you still have hope, keep it sealed.” He never opened it, but I eventually told him what it said and that resulted in our getting back together (again). Unfortunately, I quickly realized that I was only prolonging the inevitable. We had such different goals in life and neither of us could stop being ourselves. I couldn’t hold onto him or my fantasy forever…so, after two and a half years, I ended it for good.

Ryan Joseph Gordillo was my first love and is my longest and most successful relationship to date. My parents and Disney taught me what to expect from love, but he taught me how to live it. He gave me a taste of my fantasy and future—of husband and home—so losing him left me feeling alone in a scary world. Being financially dependent, at a job I didn’t like, and living with my parents suddenly felt painfully real and I wanted to go back into the dream. I tried to fall in love with my best friend at the time, Drew Richardson, but eventually that crumbled as I realized that I was still not truly over Ryan.

A year later, when my parents asked if I would join them in moving to San Diego, I considered all my options. Leaving the Bay Area meant leaving my friends, few as they were. It meant giving up my dream of working at Sony Computer Entertainment America (PlayStation) in Foster City, a bucket list goal that felt further away than ever before. But, most importantly, it meant leaving the place I learned to love and the places and landmarks that kept Ryan alive. I thought of the BART station, his blue eyes, the rain…

I squeezed the stuffed monkey he bought me for Valentine’s Day. “ARRRRR… King Kong. I love you Sweetie,” the recorded voice roared. I smiled and quickly got into position. He had been racing around Disneyland collecting pieces of a poem I wrote. Each stanza gave a clue to the location of the next, each held by a family member or friend that supported us both in a spot where we had shared a special moment. Finally he stood before me underneath the castle and smiled upon seeing me in a tux and holding a rose. I read him the poem I wrote for our six-month anniversary once more, this time strengthened by a mature writing style and new memories. As I finished, my knee dropped to the ground and I pulled out the ring he picked out. “Ryan Joseph Gordillo, will you marry me?” His eyes sparkle and he says ‘yes’ as our family and friends gather around and cheer. He grinned like a Cheshire cat before pulling me in for the best kiss of our lives. The fireworks burst in the air and we lived happily ever after.

It was over, but whatever lessons I had learned and whatever fire he lit in my soul…that was still there and would never go out. That taste of love changed my life and gave me a drive and power that I never knew existed. I could go anywhere and be anyone I wanted. “Yes, I’ll move to San Diego.” I said to my mother, “why not?” And with that simple decision, my life was never the same.

 

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